I am delighted that I am emotionally on a place that am able to share about my strength and resilience. Do you remember
my sense of powerlessness and the betrayal I felt by our legal system when that criminal only served a few months of jail
time for nearly killing me? I felt there was nothing else I could do. I been working hard in my therapy at the trauma center.
Until recently I felt I had no power to warn others about that criminal. He was out in our community and I had no power
to make it safe from that man. I felt that powerless after the deal got from the ADA. I fell to make that evil criminal accountable
for the crimes he committed against me and everyone else he became romantically involved.
Then I remember this: when the doctors in the ER did not think they could save my life. As I bled to death I asked God
to save my life, even if for a few months, so that my family and friends would not suffer from the horrible way I was going
to die that night. I remember that I actually thought that I could only escape the violence by dying. I thought of my family
and friends who I'd been isolated and had no contact with them once the abuse started, and realize how selfish it was for
me to find peace and freedom in death, and I asked God to keep me alive for them even though I was ready to go.
A miracle happened and my life was saved. That was the first time I asked God for something selflessly. The suffering my
parents and friends were going experience if I had died that night would be too strong. Especially to Mom and dad. I don't
know if my dad could have survived the loss of another child.
I am so grateful that my faith and need for God has been reawakened and it will always be inside of me no matter how difficult
or how wonderful my life will be. Remembering and telling others about that night in the ER and the miracle that took place
allowed me to feel fully comfortable taking my power back and taking ownership of my strength. Having survived the abuse made
me understand the love and power of God and that my life matters to God and many people. Now I realize that I have the power
and strength to be myself and to allow myself to continue to care, love, help, experience life by living it and enjoy as I
see others living happily too.
I am grateful that from that suffering I gained so much. I now am able to genuinely feel happiness and fulfillment as I
see other's happiness and when I bring a little happiness to other people. Even when I give change to a homeless person I
feel a warm, cozy, and nurturing energy instead of that judgmental attitude sometimes I experienced.
Sure, sometimes I still struggle with my own difficulties and painful emotions. But now I am strong to ask for help, and
to accept help. I am better able to let others care, love, and help me. I know I am not alone I have God in my heart and I
know other people (just as you did for me) are willing to help me be happy and live a good life.
Hugs and love